Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
