Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
