Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
