it was like his penis was on wheels.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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