Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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