Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Your penis caused this!
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