I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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