Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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