ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Randomize
