just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
