i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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