That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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