I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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