At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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