I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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