I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
