we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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