also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
