I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Life is so much better after having sex.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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