I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
