thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
