I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
