Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
