my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
