So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize