I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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