He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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