Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
