My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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