life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My vagina is very pro this idea
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