OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Randomize
