she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
