my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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