whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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