Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
