My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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