Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i need some magic done to my vagina
i believe in u and ur pee
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
