How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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