The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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