Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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