my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
