I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize