I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
