And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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