If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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