Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize