At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
