I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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