I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
