dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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