I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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