Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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