I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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