Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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