You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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