the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
