If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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