well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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