they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
