The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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