You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
