well you can't waste a boner
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
