I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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