You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
