I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
