I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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